I Question 4 an X Cocaine Addict?
Question by GoldieLocks: I question 4 an X cocaine addict?
After a almost two years of being clean my X husband still blames me for his cocaine addiction, please read the following emails we were auguring about child support and it came to this:
HIM: Ohhhh, your such the victim and you are such the angel…. Like I said, I choose not to dwell on the past. Apparently your choosing to be a bitter old bitch like most divorced women end up being. Thank God Sandi is a sweet, kind, and forgiving human being that doesn’t dwell on the past either.
ME: And yes, I may not be an angel, but I am the victim, you don’t know what it’s like to feel used, betrayed, lied to, afraid, you used your problem as an excuse to blame others, when really you enjoyed doing it. You didn’t quit for me or the kids or even yourself, and the only reason you stopped was because you got caught, otherwise you would be still doing it or dead. I really do feel sorry for you, you have no idea what you did to the people around you.
HIM: No, it was 100% my problem. Any spouse worth their weight in salt would have found a way to intervene. Instead you were just hoping to wake up and I would be “cold and purple”. Don’t feel sorry for me, I do not desire or need your pity.
Was his problem my fault, should I have done more?????
I tried to help him, talking, calling rehab, making appt. pretty much killing him with kindness, he would get pissed because I wouldn’t do it with him. It all stopped when I walked into a bathroom full of blood, conters, bath water…I cleaned it up and he did more on the counter I just cleaned.
So far you have ALL been sooo helpful. Is there a ala non for drugs? I live in Houston
Best answer:
Answer by Jescika
It was not your decision for him to start up on the drugs, so that part about him blaming you, just doesn’t make any sense. I believe you should have done more to help him quit, such as send him to a rehabilitation center. But other than that, he has no right to talk to you like that or accuse you of things or treat you like that. That is the lack of drugs of a recovering addict talking. But that is only my opinion.
Answer by Andrea
No, it wasn’t your fault. My ex was the same way (addicted to meth), and even though he went through a 12 step program he still say’s “I am a drug addict BUT”…. there is always a “but”. And I think that sometimes these 12 step programs really coddle them and encourage the “but”. My ex has blamed his addiction on everything from me to his own fathers alcoholism, to his job, his age, life, etc… but what he has yet to do is take responsibility for his own actions…. in addition to not accepting responsibility for his addiction he thinks that no one has a right to be angry at him because of the things he did while an addict because he blames his behavior on the drugs. That was many years ago and our kids are grown now and after 25 years he did get clean a year ago because he had a major heart attack….. He now harasses me and say’s it’s my fault that our (MY) kids won’t talk to him….. he claims that I turned them against him yet when reminded that not once in 16 years did he pay a dime of child support, that he could go years without so much as a phone call, that he never sent so much as a birthday card…….. etc…. he whines that that was all because of the drugs and we can’t hold that against him….. I’m not sure where he missed the step about admitting to the hurt you have caused….. but he missed it. Anyway, I could go on and on…..
Your best course of action? Cut off contact with him. Do not talk to him, let the courts deal with collecting child support, when you have to see him because of child visitation.. talk about the weather or something else equally inane. Do not put yourself in a position to argue with him….. they are very good at twisting things and making it seem rational that it was all your fault. Don’t believe him for a minute….. addiction is the fault of no one but the addicted.
I needed to add something because I’ve seen other answers saying you should have done more……. He was a meth addict and when coming down he would get extremely violent because as he once said…. “I needed the rush”. I called the police when he beat my step kids…. he once beat his handicapped daughter who was in a wheelchair, he said it was because he left the baby unattended…… she has wheeled herself 10 feet outside the front door, and he was sleeping on the couch…. when the police showed up he convinced them that he had caught her doing drugs and was discliplining her and I was taking her side…. after 3 or 4 calls to the police that he twisted to look like I was just trying to maliciously get him in trouble they quit believing me…. I sat at the police station one night telling them that he had just beat up his son again and when they went to the house he told them that Jason had gotten into a fight with a neighbor kid….. they believed him and didn’t even ask Jason what happened…… twice I told him go to rehab or I leave….. I tried to get CPS to step in but the kids he was beating were 13 and 15 so they wouldn’t do anything as they were old enough to look after themselves…. I was told by CPS that if I took my step kids and left I would be charged with kidnapping because they weren’t my kids…. I finally too just my kids and I left. I went to teh principals of both my stepkids schools and had them call the kids in and told them everything….. then I went into a shelter and left the schools to protect my stepkids….. When the schools got involved you can bet somethign was done…. when the police sat with my stepkids they kept saying “Can you believe the stepmon just abandoned them!”. Excuse me!!!! So He comes home… family is gone… letter saying we are not coming back….. the police show up to arrest him (because the schools were now involved) and he was sitting on the couch jacking off to a porno……. so upset that his family was gone……. I am sick of addicts blaming their spouses! It’s not like we sit around and don’t say a word about the drugs and just up and leave one day…… effing take responsibility for yourself and quit looking for someone to share the blame!!!
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